P B & Jelly: A New Death OneShot
by mjb84
Summary: A one shot based on my story, A New Death, Pam and Bill have a unique encounter involving jelly.


**P.B. & Jelly: A New Death One Shot**

**Characters: Pam & Bill**

**Summary: A one shot based on my story, A New Death, Pam and Bill have a unique encounter involving jelly.**

**A/N: I'm not sure if this qualifies for the "When Two Wrongs Make a Right" challenge since I'm using Bill, but, I figured, "what the heck!" So, for your reading pleasure, a side story of A New Death that in no way impacts the plot of the original.**

**No beta; so any and all mistakes are mine! Beat me if you must (I kinda like it).**

**Disclaimer: All property of Charlaine Harris… well, except for the jelly. I added that for shits & giggles ;o)**

**Warning! There are some, slightly, graphic lemons in here. If it's not your thing, avert your eyes and press the BACK button. Otherwise, scroll down and ENJOY!**

* * *

PPOV

"Ms. Ravenscroft, you're looking lovely as ever." _Duh! I'm dead! Not much gonna change here._

The overdone bow made me think his poof of hair would fall right off his head.

"Mr. Compton. I hadn't realized we had a meeting arranged for this evening." I nearly wished my teeth would crack from gritting them too hard, just so I could have a reason for not speaking with this 'fuckwad'.

However, due to my cruel and unusual punishment, I had to be cordial with the walking dildo. I could only imagine what my punishment would be if I disobeyed and kicked the old veteran square in the junk!

Walking through the doors to Fangtasia, the stench of gyrating, sweating and intoxicated humans filled the air. I locked eyes with Clancy and threw my head in the direction of the entrance to let him know it was his turn to be the _Gatekeeper of Oz_.

I passed Eric's booth to see him helping Sookie practice glamouring. He has certainly helped me with my role as Master. _I may have bit off more than I could chew with her- pun entirely intended._

_Eric's smirk indicated that he noticed the douche staring at my ass as I made my way through to my office. _

_Dick!_

_What the hell is Sookie so amused about?_

I felt a momentary surge of… giddiness? Through the bond. _What kind of a vampire gets giddy? _

_I swore I didn't teach her _that_!_

* * *

I nearly dragged my dead (ha!) feet through the doorway to my office.

_If I thought I could have gotten away with faking my own final death, I would have done it by now just to get out of sitting in the same room as this tool. _

_Unfortunately, melting into a pile of goo is not part of my acting expertise._

_Fuck!_

_I'm just gonna have to deal with the inane, monotone voice, mud-colored eyes and over-fluffed do._

Trying to plan my untimely demise, I was caught off guard by a sickeningly sweet smell permeating my office. My nose scrunched up.

"Mmm… Ms. Ravenscroft what a delightful perfume you're wearing. It reminds me of when I was human. We had a farm, every morning we'd-,"_ No fucking way!_

"Sorry, Mr. Compton, but there is no way in hell I'd let myself smell like that shit." Rounding my desk, I gestured for Bill to sit down as I did.

_It's gonna be a long frickin' night. I was at least putting a desk between me and the perv._

"Please, call me Bill, Pamela." _Seriously, quit bowing. I wasn't the Sultan of Brunei! Moron!_

As I sat, I noticed…a _difference_.

My, normally, soft, leather, desk chair felt… _squishier_?

I lifted my arms and stood up. In doing so, I felt and heard a stretching-sticking sound. The sleeves of my sheer, skin-tight blouse were practically glued to the armrests of the chair.

"Pamela?" Bill stood, slightly hunched over my desk, studying my chair and the substance attached to my arms and backside.

Forehead squeezed to the bridge of my nose, mouth lifted in a snarl, "What. The. Fuck. Is. It?"

My low, rumble of words would have had an intelligent vampire running for a tanning bed. _Assisted suicide!_

Not Bill, oh no! He wanted to be my dumbass in shining armor!

He moved quicker than I would have expected for someone of his mental capacity.

Without thinking, he was brushing my back (_and ass!_), trying to rid my body of the viscous material.

His hand stopped, right where I wanted it the least. I waited a second, _needed to count to ten before I removed his digits and shoved them in every orifice of his body._

Looking over my shoulder at Bill, I saw him staring at his hand on my butt. "What the hell are you doing? Are you that fucking slow that you forgot what you were doing mid-grope?"

"Uh… erm… I… uh…,"

"Spit it the fuck out!" _My lack of patience may cause him to lose another appendage- punishment be damned!_

"It's stuck." _No!_

"Then pull it off! Or… perhaps we could simply snap your hand off at the wrist and call it even?" _Ooh, I liked that idea better!_

"I… uh…" he yanked his hand back. Hard enough that I actually fell towards him.

Luckily, for me (_yay!_), Bill reached around me with his free hand to stop my fall.

_Of course, where did his hand fall… my breast!_

His grip on my ass tightened as he realized which points on my body were touching his.

I craned my head to the side as much as I could.

_Whoa! _

_Way too close!_

"Listen, you little _turd_! I may have to work with you, but that doesn't mean I have to fuck with you. So, kindly remove your extremities from my body before I remove them from yours!" The muddy-browns widened at my ultimatum.

"I can't." His brow furrowed as though he was waiting, nervously, for my first move.

I shoved back into him to propel him away from me.

And wouldn't you know! A sticky back, plus a dry front, are apparently very attracted to each other.

Our bodies nearly fused together with my movement and we tumbled backwards to the floor.

"Bill?" _I was giving him the benefit of the doubt._

"Yes?"

"Please tell me you left a banana in your pants pocket and that is _not_ your dick pressing into my ass."

I waited a beat.

"_Well_?"

"I can't tell you that."

"This is ridiculous! We have to get this stuff off! Roll over with me." After a few attempts (_and I'm not even going to tell you how disgustingly good they felt_), we had rolled so we were both on our knees.

_Granted, this was not exactly the position I wanted to be in with this particular individual. _

_Though, the pressure on my backside was slightly less annoying._

_I said _slightly_._

"Pamela?" He sounded like a little boy about to be scolded for sticking his hand in the cookie jar- _don't even think about it Billy!_

"WHAT?"

"Perhaps, I could… you know… lick it off?"

"What the F-,"

"Hold on, I mean… my saliva might break down the stickiness to the point where we could separate…" _Ok, for being such an idiot, that did _sound_ plausible_.

"Fine, whatever!"

The moment the words left my mouth, Bill's cool tongue darted out and slid from my neck down my shoulder blade.

_Not hot._

Rapid flicks of his tongue across the exposed portions of my spine sent shivers throughout my body.

_Not hot._

Fangs slightly grazed the back of my neck.

_Not hot._

_No! You can't get aroused by this. _

_He's a guy… and an idiot at that!_

Almost simultaneously, and without thought, my ass started shifting and grinding against the outline of Bill's erection as his hands grasped and tugged on their respective positions.

"Ungh!" Bill rammed his hips against me and I all but fell to the floor.

The harder he thrusted against me, the more mobility he had with his hands.

I would have thrown him through the wall had it not been for the delicious rocking our bodies were doing.

"Fuck! Bill!"

I heard several waitresses skitter by the open doorway. Seeing as how the desk was blocking my view to the hallway, I could only imagine the looks that crossed their faces as they passed by.

Snarling, snapping, and growling, behind my ear, alerted me to the fact that Bill may have had some shifter blood in him before he was turned… _just sayin'._

The moment his hands were released from their jelly shackles, Bill reached down and tore my pants from my legs.

Rough hands slid down my ass and yanked my thighs apart.

"Mmm…" the deep rumble was accompanied by his thick index finger sliding down my moist lips.

_Somebody liked the fact that I went commando!_

This tediously slow movement was driving me insane.

_If he wasn't gonna shove it in, then I'd impale myself on it!_

The moment I started squirming, two things happened…

One- I realized, in our tossing and turning, my hands had gotten covered in jelly and were currently stuck to the floor- _shit!_

Two- Bill grabbed my hips and held me in place.

"Uh-uh, sweetheart. We go when _I_ say." _Damn! For a schmuck, that was fucking hot! I may have even gushed a little._

Bill released my hips and I heard the unmistakable sound of a zipper being lowered followed by shuffling and a bit of bumping.

_Nope, he definitely wasn't the smoothest._

I should have been pissed that my Jimmy Choos were getting scuffed up with all the bouncing around. Or the fact that my designer blouse was now one-step away from being paper mache.

The instant Bill grabbed my hair with a jelly-covered fist and slammed his cock into my waiting well- I was done for.

"Fuck!"

"Damn Darling! You're tight!" _Stupid southern gentleman!_

"Bill, shut the hell up and fuck me!"

My head yanked back as his grip on my hair tightened.

"Gladly." His lips ghosted the edge of my ear.

The most I could do was shove back onto his swelling cock.

Bill continued plunging deeper and deeper into my ever-tightening cunt. He leaned down to my shoulder and started nibbling across the soft skin of my neck.

His pace quickened as his thrusts became longer and more frantic.

"Ungh!"

"Fuck!" My walls fluttered around his pulsing cock. My mouth hung open in a silent cry as my body shuddered from head to toe.

"Unnnnnnnnngh!" Bill's groan marked the beginning, middle and end of the wussiest orgasm ever!

_I never thought a vampire would pass out after fucking… I was wrong._

Bill collapsed on top of me, nearly sandwiching me to the floor.

* * *

Seconds of an eternity I'll never get back, later, Bill pulled himself up and, with a "riiiiiiiip", extracted his torso from my back.

He slipped his tacky fingers under my arms and lifted me with a great deal of force to pull my hands from the concrete flooring.

Bill tucked himself back into his pants looking no worse for wear, while I stood there, facing him, naked-as-a-jaybird.

Hands on my hips, I cocked an eyebrow at him, ready with a snarky comeback…

"Pamela," my eyes dropped to the floor at the tone of my master's voice, "You have made quite the mess. I'm taking Sookie home. We'll wait for you while you clean this up. Good evening, Bill." Eric nodded in Bill's direction before turning to exit.

"Eric?" Eric's eyes shifted to look at me with turning his head.

"Do you have any idea how my office chair came to be covered in grape jelly?"

Giggling erupted in the hallway and Eric was yanked away by an otherwise unseen hand.

"Fuck you very much! Don't think this is over!" My anger was rising to the point that I was sure my body temperature may have reached human levels.

Bill's head was cast down as though he'd suddenly turned shy.

"Don't try that coy shit on me, Compton! I know what kind of a deviant you are." I leaned down to scoop up a jar that was strategically placed underneath one of my guest chairs.

"Pamela… would you like to accompany me to my resting place this morning?" He actually looked as though he thought he had a chance.

You had to give the douche bag credit; he predicted the angle of my pitch and was out the door just before the jar of grape jelly bounced off the doorframe.

BLEEP!

I reached to my desk and snatched up my blackberry in an angry move.

Sookie had texted me.

**Sookie: P.B. & Jelly sandwiches were always my favorite as a child…**

_That little bitch!_

Hundred bucks says Eric put her up to it.

BLEEP!

**Eric: Let me know when you've gotten out of your sticky situation…**

_Oh, ha ha. _

_You were soooo funny. _

_Asshole!_

I glanced down at my phone as my fingers flew across the keyboard.

_Sookie oughta get something for all the hard work she put into recreating a childhood memory._

* * *

SPOV

BLEEP!

**Pam: As your maker… I command you to ask Eric, "Who's the Boss?", when he answers with, "I am", smack him upside the head and say, "No! Tony Danza's the boss, bitch!"**

_Oh Shit!_

* * *

A/N: Well, thank you for working your way through my very first one-shot. I hope I didn't stray too far from the characters, as they appear in A New Death. I also hope I didn't disappoint too many of you with the lack of romantic gestures. Pam's willing to put up with five minutes of "cock-time" but she sure as shit isn't putting up with "cock-a-doodle-doo-time" with Bill.

I am hoping to have chapter 10 of A New Death up this week. School ends Wednesday; I'm done Thursday-so, yay! Summer vay-cay, here I come!

Oh… and I need to reference Urban Dictionary for the Tony Danza, apparently that is a slight variation on being "Danza'd". The real definition is far too graphic for anything I'd write. I won't even tell you how I came across this definition.


End file.
